Making "Todays" in Hawaii

I am a big, big-birthday-person. While my own milestone birthdays have often been overshadowed, thirty was overshadowed by being ordained a rabbi, a few months before and 40 was both engulfed by the High Holy Days and some poor planning. But knowing that my parents were turning 65, I wanted to do something very special. I had been saving for a party each one of them, but over a year ago when Amy and Kiana, who I affectionately refer to as my Hawaiian ohana, asked if I would do there wedding, a new idea emerged. Why not take my parents to Hawaii.

This is not as easy as one would think. My parents are divorced so I figured we wouldn't travel all together. I decided to spend a week with each and arrange my calendar accordingly. I would fly out in concert with my dad spend a week and then meet my mom. Where it got really complicated is that I asked each of them to choose what part of Hawaii they wanted to visit. My dad chose Kauai and my mom chose the Big Island. So I am spending a week with my dad on the Garden Island and then I fly to meet my mom on Hawaii where we will fly out to Honolulu to be present at the wedding.

When I explain to people what I am doing I hear almost the identical response each time:"You're a good son." For people my parents age it is often followed by "Will you adopt me as your parent?" Whereas, people my age or younger offer some kind of condolence or a remark that expressed that their jealousy is blunted over my spending time in Hawaii. This is often said with a laugh, but the complexities of their reaction is noted.

I do not know if "I am a good son." What I do know is that it is important to me to have memories of my parents and me when we are healthy and well. From my vantage point as a rabbi, I see so many of congregants taking care of their ailing parents that I know some day it could likely be me. I recognize that one day one of us will (and some day all of us) will die. Before then, it is not a given that illness, physical or mental will corrode our quality time. I want to have good "todays", awesome ones in fact, not just hopes. Thus, there is some part reality and some part morbidity that motivates me--more than just wanting to be a good son, but more than anything it is important to me to have a solid adult relationship with my parents since it was not a given that we would have one. Hiding parts of one's self as I did before I came out to my parents at 23 can internally sever relationships as a survival strategy that make the relationship hard to rebuild. I am trying to be intentional about that.